Gleefully Clueless
by Mr-and-Mrs.Bowties
Summary: Kurt is the sixteen-year-old stuck up only child and Blaine is the humble goofy college boy. What can bring them together? And what could tear them apart. Based off of the movie Clueless' plot. But, you don't have to watch to read. IN PROGRESS!
1. Introductions

Hey guys! I have been thinking about writing this fic for a while! It's Glee but with the movie Clueless' plot. I guess you don't really have to watch the movie to read this, but if you do it's on Netflix! I really hope you like it!

Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or Clueless.

Note: Kurt's thoughts are in italicize once the story begins.

…

_Looking out the dirty old window_

_Outside the cars in the city go rushing by_

_I sit here alone and I wonder why_

…

Kurt Hummel sits at his vanity in his spacious bedroom, styling his hair to perfection. He looks at his room through the mirrors refection and smiles at all of the expensive things neatly put around it. And he speaks to the invisible audience in his head.

"_Okay, I know what you're thinking. Is this another rich, stuck up boy movie, or what? But, really, I have a pretty normal life for a teenage boy. I get up in the mornings, brush my hair, and pick out my school clothes."_

He pushed shuffle on his IPod and walked over to his huge walk-in closet and over to the program that helps him pick out his clothes. It looks like a computer, but touch-screen. He tapped it on and a model of himself came on, naked, only having on Calvin Cline boxers on. Kurt pressed the button "browse" and clothes immediately came on his model. He winced and shook his head at how ugly the colors were together. He pushed it again and a better match came on and he pushed "dress me" but the machine beeped and said "Not a match." He frowned and pushed it one more time and a gorgeous outfit of skinny jeans, vests, and scarves popped up and he smiled, and nodded his head once, content with it.

He gets dressed and comes out of the closet (No pun intended), looking like a million bucks. He grabbed his satchel and headed downstairs toward the kitchen to make his dad, Burt Hummel, his morning juice.

"_Dad's a litigator. That's the scariest type of lawyer. Even our maid, Carol, is scarred of him. He gets to fight with people all day and get 500 dollars an hour. But, he fights with me for free, because I'm his son."_

Burt walked into the kitchen in suit and tie just as Kurt pored the last of his juice.

"Here Dad." Kurt tries to shove the cup into Burt's hands.

"No, Kurt, not with the juice again." He walked around the kitchen, Kurt chasing him.

"But, the doctor said you have to get your vitamins!"

"Where's my briefcase?"

"It's been a couple of months now, so I think we should go out to Malibu."

Burt turned to look at him," Oh, don't tell me those brain dead low life's called again."

"Well, they are your parents."

"No. Oh, and by the way, Blaine's in town and is coming for dinner"

A horrid look came onto Kurt's face. "What?! Why?"

"Because he's your step-brother!"

"But you were barely even married to his mother, and that was **five** years ago! Why do I have to see Blaine?" he insisted.

"You divorce wives not children." Burt replied.

Kurt sighed and tried to hand him the juice. "Here."

"Forget it!" Burt yelled and walked out the door, held open by carol.

He walked out moments later, and over to a white car and got in it.

"_Did I show you the pimped out Jeep Dad got me? It's got four wheel drive, dual side air bags, and monster sound system. I don't have my license yet, but I need something to learn on."_

He turned a corner and rammed into a potted plant on the curve, but kept on driving.

"_Well, that came out of nowhere!"_

…

Kurt pulled up a huge brownish brick house with a wonderful green garden and a big wall of trees surrounding it, only letting up at the entrance.

"_This is where my best friend Mercedes lives. We're friends because we both know what's it's like to have people jealous of us. But, I have to give her props on her amazing fashion choices."_

"Dude!" Mercedes screamed once she got out of her door.

"Girlfriend!" Kurt shouted back. Once the black girl got into the Jeep, the two friends did a handshake in greeting and Kurt started the car up again. He looked up and her outrageous hat and said, "Go shopping with Dr. Seuss?"

Mercedes picked up Kurt's fuzzy satchel." At least I wouldn't skin a dog to make my backpack."

"It's faux!" Kurt argued back. He rounded a corner and completely disregarded a stop sign.

"Uh, hello? There was a stop sign!"

"I totally paused!"

Mercedes nodded and muttered," Yeah, okay."

…

Kurt and Mercedes were walking down the sidewalk in there school's courtyard, Mercedes ranting on.

"Ugh, it's only 8:30 and Matt is already calling me."

"He's so possessive." Kurt chuckled to her knowingly.

"Yeah, this weekend, he called me up and was like, where were you today? And I was like, I'm at grandmother's house…"

Kurt stopped listening and thought in his own mind.

"_Mercedes is in this dramatic relationship with her boyfriend Matt. I think they've seen that Ike and Tina Turner movie way to many times."_

"'Cedes, you could do so much better!"

"Shh, here he comes."

Matt walks in, barley holding his pants up, and comes over to Mercedes. "Woman-"

Mercedes interrupts him," I hate it when you call me "woman"!"

"Why haven't you been answering me calls. Are you jeepin' behind my back?"

"Jeppin'?" She asks him and then Kurt.

"No I haven't. But talking about the unfaithful sex, tell me why I found this cheap Kmart hair extension in the back seat of your car." She holds up a clip-in weave that she got from out of her bags to show to the people who had gathered around them in interest.

"I don't know where that came from! It looks like one of those that you got up in your hair." He indicated to her head.

"I do **not** wear polyester!" She screamed.

This was when Kurt had enough. "'Cedes, I'm outie!"

"Bye." Was all the other girl said before returning to her fight.

Kurt walked away slowly and thought to himself.

"_I don't know why Mercedes is dating a high school boy. There like dogs. They smell bad and you have to feed them, and clean them. It's disgusting."_

A scrawny boy came up to him and put his arm around Kurt's shoulder, and Kurt immediately shoved him off.

"Get off me! Ugh! As if!" He brushed himself off and kept on walking to his next class.

…

Okay guys! Hoped you liked it! I'll update as soon as I can. Review if you want me to continue, because if you don't, I won't, so you should. Bye!

TBC

xxKurtcoBlainexx


	2. Chapter 2

Hello, guys! So, I just want you to know I absolutely LOVE writing this story! I'm combining my favorite show, couple, and movie all together and making them into a book! Ahhh! I love this! I hope you do too!

Notes: I just wanted to clear up some things. At the end of this chapter, I'm going to be putting up the definitions for the words that are not words in this story. Those words just go along with the story since this is set in the 1990's and all. Okay, that's all!

I don't own Glee or Clueless.

…

Once Kurt got to his debate class, he realized that he had an oral presentation today. Oh, well. He would just wing it.

"Kurt? David? Time for your debate project." The two walked up to the podiums in the front of the room.

"The topic is: Should all oppressed people be allowed refuge in America? David will take the con position. Kurt will be pro. Kurt? Two minutes. Go." Mr. Shu leant up against his desk and Kurt proceeded to take out the gum he had in his mouth a stuck it on his finger.

"So, okay, like right now, for example, the Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all, what about the strain on our resources? But it's like, when I had this garden party for my father's birthday, right? I said RSVP because it was a sit-down dinner. But people came that, like, did not RSVP. So I was like, totally buggin'. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, and squish in extra place settings. But, by the end of the day, it was like, the more the merrier. And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could totally party with the Haitians. And in conclusion, may I just say, that it does not say RSVP on the Statue of Liberty!" Kurt finished strongly.

Mr. Shu and David starred at him blankly while the rest of the class clapped loudly, clearly not paying attention to what he had been saying. Kurt smiled and said," Thank you very much." And put his gum back into his mouth.

Mr. Shu shook his head and said, "David, reply?"

"Mr. Shu, how can I answer that? The topic is Haiti, and he's talking about some silly little party." David sassed.

"Hello? It was his fiftieth birthday!" Kurt replied.

David made a "W" out of his two hands and said," Whatever! If he doesn't do the assignment, I can't do mine."

"Gentlemen." Will pointed to their seats, "So, does anyone have any further thoughts on Kurt's oration?" Sebastian raised his hand, "Sebastian, comments?"

"Yeah, I can't find my CD. I have to go to the quad before somebody snags it." He gathered his stuff up, ready to leave.

"I'm afraid I can't permit that." Will replies before leaving the outraged Sebastian," Any further insights?"

Finn raises his hand," I have an insight, Mr. Shu."

"I'm all ears."

"Okay, like, the way I feel about the Rolling Stones is the way my kids are going to feel about Nine Inch Nails, so I really shouldn't torment my mom anymore, huh?" Finn asked, clearly buzzed off of some kind of drug.

"…Yes! Well, it's a little off the subject of Haiti, but a lesson in tolerance is good, even when it comes out of nowhere. And with that in mind, I'm going to give out your report cards."

A collection of groans echoed through the class as he went up to his desk and pulled out a stack of papers.

"Now is there a Sam Evans in this class?"

Kurt raises his hand. "Mr. Shu? The buzz on Sam is that his family has joint custody. So, he'll be spending one semester in Chicago, and one semester here. I think it's a travesty on the part of the legal profession."

"Thank you for that prospective, Kurt." He continues to pass out the papers and Sebastian rubes at Kurt's back. The first paper is passed out to Finn, who looks at it and whimpers at the grades and squirms in his seat. "Could all conversations come to a halt?" Will asks.

Finn gets up from his seat and jumps up onto the window seel beside him. He raises up the blinds and tries to jump out of the window, but Will runs over to grab him and says, "And could the suicide attempts please be postponed until the next period?"

Kurt gets his and frowns at it.

"_Suddenly, a dark cloud settled over first period. I got a C in debate?"_

…

The bell rang and he walked out of class phone pressed against his ear, talking to Mercedes.

"'Cedes, did you get you report card?"

"Yeah, I'm toast. How about you?"

"I totally choked. My father's going to go ballistic on me."

"Mr. Shu was way harsh." They met at a hallway intersection and stopped talking on the phone and to each other. "He gave me a C-minus."

"He gave me a C, which brings down my entire average." Kurt whined.

Mercedes rolled her eyes and walked away. "Bye."

"I'll call you."

…

Kurt pulled in front of a large white mansion that obviously cost millions of dollars.

"_Isn't my house classic? The columns date all the way back to 1972."_

He parked the car, got out, and walked into the house to a big portrait of a beautiful woman with blue eyes.

"_Wasn't my mom a Betty? She died when I was just a baby. A fluke accident during a routine liposuction. I don't remember her, but I like to pretend she's still watches over me."_

Kurt pulled out a piece of paper and held it out to the picture. "Hey, mom. 98 in geometry. Pretty groovy, huh?" He walks away.

…

Kurt was applying Chap Stick to his lips when soft and boring music started to play from down stairs.

"_Yuck! The maudlin music of the university station?"_

He puts it down and walks out of his room and downstairs. "Wah, Wah, Wah!"

When he gets downstairs and into the kitchen, he sees Blaine standing there, looking in the refrigerator. "Yuck! What is it about college and crybaby music?"

"Hey." Blaine looks up for just a second and then goes back to his search for food. "Who's watching the galleria?"

Kurt ignores him to look in disgust at the big flannel shirt Blaine was wearing. "So, the flannel shirt- is that a nod to the crispy Seattle weather? Or are you just trying to stay warm in front of the refrigerator?" He turns around and starts to eat a carrot that was in a bowl on the counter.

Blaine grabbes his waist and Kurt elbows him, and Blaine replies, "Oh, wow, you're filling up in there."

Kurt turns around and says," Oh, wow, you face is catching up with your mouth." And goes back to eating the carrot.

"I went by Dad's office."

"He is **not** your dad. Why don't you go torcher another family?" Kurt starts to walk into the sitting room, and Blaine follows him.

"Hey, just because my mother marries someone else, doesn't mean he's my father."

"Actually, that's exactly what it means. I hope you're not thinking of staying here." Kurt says as they sit down on the couch together.

"I sure want to." Blaine chuckles.

"I'm sure you do."

"I got a place near school."

"Shouldn't you go to school on the East Coast? I hear boys at NYU aren't all that particular." He turns on the TV to a cartoon.

"Ha, you're funny." Blaine grabs the remote and changes it to the news.

"Hey! God, you just got here and you're already playing couch commando." Kurt snatches the remote back.

"Hey, you know, in some parts of the universe, maybe not in contempo casual, it's considered cool to know what's going on in the world."

Kurt looked at him and said in mock awe," Thank you, Blaine. I _so_ need lessons from you on how to be cool. Tell me that part about Kenny G. again."

Burt's voice boomed through the house from the dining room. "Come on, you chuckleheads! Get in here." They instantly got up and raced each other to the dining room.

"Blaine, are you still growing? You look taller than you did at Easter."

"I don't think so."

"Doesn't he look bigger?" He asked Kurt.

"His head does."

"So, Blaine, have you given any thought to our little discussion about corporate law?" Burt asked.

"Yeah, but, I think I would like to check out environmental law."

"What for? You want to have a miserable, frustrating life?"

"Oh, Blaine will have that no matter what he chooses." Kurt butted in.

"At least knows what he wants to do. I'd like to see you have a little direction."

"I have direction." Kurt pouted.

"Yeah, toward the mall." Blaine said and Kurt glared.

"Which reminds me. Where's your report card?"

"Oh, it's not ready yet." Kurt said.

"What do you mean it's not ready yet?"

"Well, some teachers were trying to lowball on me, Dad. And I know how you say to never accept a first offer. So, I figured these grades were just a jumping off point to start negotiations."

Burt nodded his head. "Very good."

Someone's phone rings and everyone grabbed their own, and answers. It turns out to be Burt's, so the two younger boys have their own conversation.

"You're such a brown-noser." Kurt says.

"And you are such a superficial space cadet. What makes you think that you can get your teachers to change your grades?"

"Only that I've done it every other semester." Kurt smiles.

…

Okay, guys I'll update soon! Please review! And favorite and follow.

Jeepin'- Vehicular sex (Thank you to _gleeville _for correcting me)

Buggin'- going crazy or worrying

Betty- beautiful or gorgeous

Review and say if you don't know any other words bye!

xxKurtcoBlainexx


	3. Chapter 3

Still don't own anything.

Hey guys! Here's another chapter. I really hope you are enjoying this. I'm sorry for all the mistakes that are in this. I try to proof read it the best I can, but I don't get all of it. Sorry. Nobody's perfect. I don't know when the next chapter will be up. But…

…

"_I told my P.E. teacher that an evil male had broken my heart, so she raised my C to a B. Then I promised Ms. Pillsbury I'd start a letter-writing campaign to my congressman about violations to the clean air act. But Mr. Shu was totally rigid. He said my debates were unresearched, unstructured, and unconvincing. As if! I felt impotent and out of control, which I really hate. I needed to find sanctuary in a place where I could gather my thoughts and regain my strength."_

…

Kurt and Mercedes decided to go shopping at the Pavilion after school to help him out. Kurt didn't tell Mercedes why he needed to go, but she knew something was wrong by the way he was acting.

"Dude, what's wrong? Are you suffering from buyer's remorse or something?"

"God, no. Nothing like that. It's just that, we've been shopping all day, and I still don't know what to do about Mr. Shu. I've tried everything to convince him of my scholastic aptitude, but I was brutally rebuffed." Kurt whined.

"Oh, get over it. He's a miserable little man, who wants to make everybody else miserable too."

A light bulb seemed to go off in Kurt's head. "'Cedes, that's it! We've got to figure out a way to make Mr. Shu sublimely happy."

…

"_So, here's the 411 on Mr. Shu- He's single, He's 47, and he earns minor ducats at a thankless job. What that man needs is a good, healthy boink fest. Unfortunately, there was a major babe drought in my school. The evil trolls from the math department were actually married. And in the grand tradition of P.E. teachers, Ms. Beiste seemed to be same-sex oriented. Of course, there was always Ms. Pillsbury. Something told me not to discount Ms. Pillsbury. Well, sure, she has runs in her stockings, and her slip is always showing, and she has more lipstick on her teeth than on her mouth. God, this woman was just screaming for a makeover. I'm her only hope. _

…

Kurt and Mercedes stood in the office in front of the teacher mail slots. Kurt was writing on a card, and Mercedes was reading it.

""Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, but thy eternal summer shall not fade" Did you write that?"

"Duh! It's like a famous quote."

"Oh, really? From where?"

"Cliff's notes"

"Oh."

Mercedes and Kurt looked up at the counselor door opening as Finn and Ms. Pillsbury came out of it. They quickly stuffed the note and a rose into the cubby hole that belonged to the older woman and room out of the room to the window to watch her reaction.

"Run along. See you third period." Ms. Pillsbury said to Finn. "Try to remember to bring our textbooks."

"Okay. Uh... Okay." Finn walked away and Emma walked over to her mail cubby. She took all of her mail out, including the rose and note as Kurt and Mercedes watched quietly. Emma smelled the rose and put it down with the rest of the papers in her hand. She opened the note and read it, shocked at first, realizing what it was, a blush and a smile rising on her face.

Kurt and Mercedes jumped and clapped together.

"Oh my god! She actually looked happy." Mercedes squealed.

"Classic!" Kurt said before the two walked off together arm in arm.

…

In Mr. Shu's classroom, he is naming off people and how many tardies they have.

"Michael Chang- 16 tardies to work off."

Mike mutters some foul words in Chinese, and everyone laughs.

"Tina Cohen Chang- no tardies."

She smiles, and everyone else boo's.

"Finn Hudson- 38 tardies, by far the most in the class. Congratulations."

Everyone clapped and gives him congrats. Finn stands up and goes to the front of the class, like he's won an award. Kurt rolled his eyes and goes back to writing in his notebook.

"This is so unexpected. I didn't even have a speech prepared. Uh, but I would like to say this. Tardiness is not something you can do all on your own. Many, many people contributed to my tardiness. Thank to my parents for never going me a ride to school, to the L.A. city bus driver, for taking a chance on an unknown kid. And finally, to McDonalds for spending so much time, making those little egg McMuffins, in which I might never be tardy."

Everyone clapped and Finn sits back down.

"If Mr. Hudson has no political messages to include in his speech, I'll go on. Kurt Hummel- two tardies."

"I object! Do you recall the dates of these alleged tardies?"

"One was last Monday."

Kurt laughed and calmly explained," My best friend was surfing the crimson wave. She and I had to haul ass to the ladies'"

"I assume your referring to women's troubles, so I'll let that one slide."

"Thank you, Mr. Shu. Ms. Pillsbury was right about you."

"…What do you mean?"

"Well, she said that you were the only one in this school with any intelligence." Kurt said before going back to writing, but not before seeing the smile on Wills face.

…

"Kurt, get it here!" Burt yelled from his office. After a second, Kurt walked into the room.

"Yes, Dad?"

He got up from his desk with a paper in his hand and handed it to Kurt. "Will you tell me what the hell this is?"

Kurt read off of the paper ""A second notice for three outstanding tickets" I don't even remember getting a first notice."

Burt snatched it from him," The ticket is the first notice. I didn't even know you could get tickets without a license!"

"Oh, sure you can. You can get tickets anytime."

"Oh, is that so? Well, not around here you can't. From this moment on, you will not drive, sit, do anything in that Jeep without a supervised driver. And no cruising around with Mercedes. Two permits do not make a license. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, Dad." Kurt said smiling, knowing his dad was just a big softy.

Burt's tone softened as Kurt started to fix his tie. "Kurt, I expect you to become a good driver. I want to see you apply yourself."

"I will, I'm going to practice real hard."

"Okay." Burt said as Kurt walked away.

"_A licensed driver with nothing to do? Where would I find such a loser?"_

…

Okay, guys! That's it for this chapter! Don't forget to review, favorite, and follow. Bye!

Sorry for mistakes!

TBC!

xxKurtcoBlainexx


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